Who you are Based on the First App you Check in the Morning

The very first phone app you open upon awakening speaks volumes about your character. Don’t bother searching for deeper meaning behind your actions, as I’ve already done that for you in the most judgemental manner possible. Written below is a list of apps. Find the one you check first, and face the harsh reality about who your truly are in soul and spirit.

Facebook — You’re a spiritually deficient mother who’s up on local news and last year’s memes. You may also be a dad who lost all humor sensibility, or a guy who has taken more than 3 pictures holding fish in his day. Regardless, you probably settled down at a young age.

Instagram — You either value or despise your appearance, but image is mostly what it’s about for you. You could categorize as any of the following: A gal with a thick ass, a Fit-Fam member, a delusional rapper, or just some idiot. There’s a slight chance you’re some sort of artist, in which case you’re actually serving a purpose, but it’s not likely.

Tinder — You’re a fuckin’ psychopath.

A horoscope app — You strategically choose to hear solely what you want to hear. You’re considering bettering your life; merely considering it.

MySpace — You belong in prison. Please unchain that person from the radiator.

Twitter — You fancy yourself a funny person, often solely based on the content you consume as opposed to create. You’re either very eager to fill a void, very desperate for validation, or both. You may be politically aware based on your own agenda, but your politics are probably gauged by how much you hate old white men or trans teenagers.

Email — You’re important as shit.

SnapChat — You’re a horned up animal. You share many inside jokes with your friends, but are not humorously inclined in the least bit. If you’re in a relationship you’re cheating.

Plenty of Fish — As with Tinder, you’d qualify as a psychopath, but you’re also an obese minority.

Pandora, Spotify, etc. — You’re incapable of being alone with your thoughts.

Pinterest — You’re a Wiccan, or very lonely (also a Wiccan.)

The Weather App — You’re arguably the most practical person out there, and as close to sane as one can be.

Candy Crush or some game — You haven’t been intimate with another human being for an extended period of time, and you might have been hit by a train at some point throughout childhood.