How to Face an Attractive CVS Cashier When Buying Diarrhea Medication

Let’s not tip-toe around the issue: Having explosive, wet shits isn’t the most attractive ailment. You can only suffer through strenuous hours on the bowl for so long before admitting the necessity of over-the-counter medication. Unfortunately, purchasing diarrhea meds is an embarrassing step to take. People know the story when you come waddling through the pharmacy aisles with a pack of Imodium in hand. They’re all thinking, “This character’s got the runs.”

Plopping your arsenal of poop pills and syrups on the counter and facing a concerned cashier is shameful as is. Far worse is having to do so in front of a gorgeous gal or guy with whom you’d like to tussle in the sheets. You don’t even want a potential lover know you take dumps at all, let alone painful steamy ones.

So how does one seduce a luscious lust with a bottle of Pepto in hand and the stance of someone overtly squeezing cheeks to prevent leakage? At the very least, how does someone not break into tears of embarrassment? You gotta play it cool, and nobody said it was gonna be easy. Luckily I’m here to offer my services. For the sake of your sex life and torched anus I’ve compiled the very best tips and tricks for facing a beautiful cashier while purchasing diarrhea meds. You’ll never fear the age-old dilemma again.

1. Wear a disguise — This one’s especially useful if you frequent a particular pharmacy. You see that handsome specimen all the time; now they’re gonna know you’ve got a bad case of the sliders? You nor I will let it happen. Pick out an outfit, mask, or outfit and mask to go incognito and buy those fart pills with confidence. Forget the burlap sack over the head trick. I did it and the cops thought I was trying to rob the joint. Who in their right mind would commit armed robbery while casually buying anti-diarrheals? That’s beside the point. Pick a costume that suits you, yet doesn’t reveal you. Might I recommend the classic glasses, big nose and mustache set? A simple classic, but it gets the job done. Get creative, folks, as it’s your sexual prowess at stake.
2. Deflect — The standard. An oldie but goodie, as they say I’m pretty sure. As you're putting your products down on the counter, loudly declare something along the lines of, “Buying these for a friend.” Don’t be afraid to get specific. Try out, “My daughter can’t stop shitting!” If you not only want to deflect, but wow them, make a heroic statement like, “These are for all the foster children I’ve saved from troubled households.” Not only will your soulmate stray from suspecting the meds being for you, they’ll gain a newfound admiration for your character.
3. Wear a shirt that says “I don’t have diarrhea.” — No upstanding citizen would advertise an outright lie via graphic t-shirts. When the cashier feasts their eyes upon your declarative article of clothing they’ll know for sure you couldn’t possibly be buying stuff for you.
4. Claim you made a mistake, but get them anyway — After you set down your meds, peer at them with surprise and yell, “I thought those were workout supplements!” When the cashier asks if you’d like to exchange them, just say they’re fine and might be of use to the homeless.
5. Wear a shirt that says “I have diarrhea.” — The old reverse psychology trick. I learned it in college.
6. Pretend to be a foreigner — English is no longer your native language, so who is this chump ass cashier to judge whether or not you even know what you’re buying? Plus, a lot of people like having sex with foreigners and will ignore diarrhea to have at your genitals. On the flipside, some people are racists and wouldn’t have fucked you regardless.
7. Write “for a rainy day” on the medication packaging in bold print — You’re off the hook, for now. Your cashier crush may be clued into the potential for diarrhea, but they’re at least under the impression you’re defecating regularly in the present.
8. Be confidently direct — The best approach is often the direct approach. In this case, however, you need more than a straightforward exchange. You must make known your feelings, and be willing to negotiate. Pridefully utter, “I love you, I’ve always loved you, and I pray you can overlook this.” You could use a variation of that, but I wouldn’t.
9. Don’t buy them at all — Consequences aside, what’s easier than stealing? Petty theft comes as naturally as breathing to most of us. There’s always the boring stick it in your pocket, strut out normally, and risk fist fighting a loss prevention specialist. Snooze fest if you ask me. Add a little spice to your criminal act. Throw a smoke bomb and sprint out cackling. Set fire to aisle 3 to create distraction. Pay a child to pee on the customer service counter. Throw kitty litter in the cashier’s face. Whatever you need to do in order to make it out safe. I’m aware this tip evades the goal entirely, but when worst comes to worst you gotta commit crimes. That’s what my grandma always used to say, and she had diarrhea for 12 straight years.