A Long-Time Slacker New To LinkedIn

At some point, regardless of how invested in your art you are, exhibiting some amount of professionalism and entering the corporate workforce may prove to be inevitable. It’s a tough pill to swallow for artists and self-proclaimed “creatives,” but Etsy shops and poems about your genitals can’t always pay the bills. In my case, part-time work at retail stores like Banana Republic accompanied by a tri-monthly blog post wasn’t cutting it either. When you find yourself asking “how and what am I going to eat?” weekly for months on end, the time to go corporate has arisen. An almost necessary component of making any action happen in this arena is a Linkedin presence. Painful as it was, I recently left my slacker image behind and built a profile on the workforce networking app, and the process of seeking out former classmates has been eye-opening.

Believe it or not, nearly 5 post-college years of part-time retail work for minimum wage while pursuing my “comedy dream” eventually wore me down and forced me to admit, “It’s time to utilize this Communications degree.” You can only live on so many floor mattresses in musty basements with psychedelic-dealing sex workers before accepting whatever you’re doing isn’t working.

After minor success filming sketches for YouTube in the very early days of the site, I grew certain at age 15 that I was going to “make it” in comedy, despite having no clear idea on what “making it” actually meant to me. I half-assed my way through college because it seemed like the safe move, but believe you me: I was convinced this Publishing Communications degree was merely a fallback if comedy didn’t work out. Oddly enough, I did very little to help it work out.

You would think a delusional narcissist would do everything in his power to ensure dreams become reality, but between alcoholism, subsequent recovery, my mother’s health, my mental health, and countless little bits of misery I got lost along the way and felt the last bit of ambition left in me flicker away.

Several months ago was nearly 5 years out of college for me. I had a college degree, yet very little to show for it. My work experience was as sporadic as my list of post-graduation addresses: Numerous 6-month stints at coffee shops and clothing stores, some more embarrassing than others. No matter the place of employment or the position (some variation of Sales Associate or Barista/Cashier,) I reached mania and detrimental self-questioning that led me to announce “I’m above this, and I’m done here!”

I left nearly every minimum wage job with grandiose delusion and no plan. Each departure was spur of the moment and sincerely apologetic, accompanied by a belief I’d reconnect with who I once was and make writing and/or content creation work as a steady means of income. After all, I was a YouTube prodigy as a prepubescent young lad. Not only that, I had successful periods of writing for online publications throughout college, before I inevitably started smoking weed again, went moderately insane, and disappeared never to pitch again. Additionally, I had nearly 10,000 followers and a slew of outlandish videos on the now-defunct Vine app, didn’t you know who I was?

Naturally, after about 2 weeks of unemployment I was left with no choice but to hop on board at whatever new minimum wage job would immediately take me. That was my cycle of insanity for almost 5 years, as I moved from city to city thinking a relocation would transform me. Mind you, I did very occasionally sit down on a day off from work at Whole Foods or Urban Outfitters and rapidly fire out applications for jobs within the communications field like a madman, writing cover letters that read very much like what I’ve written thus far. Despite thousands of Craigslist and Indeed applications nothing went beyond a phone interview, until very recently.

At the end of 2019, I won’t say how, where, or why, I landed a role with a marketing agency. Prior to filling out the application that got me the job, I did finally let go of the ego and dickhead comedy savant within me and make a Linkedin profile. The setting up of this online resume went against everything I told my college advisor as she stressed to me how vital it was to have a LinkedIn years ago. “I won’t need it,” I assured her, tied to my comedic persona that was the antithesis of professionalism. Yet here I was, years down the line, typing out my writing and internship experience, asking my girlfriend to snap a headshot for me, and searching for former classmates from my 2 high schools and 2 universities in an attempt to create the illusion that I have “connections,” and didn’t burn nearly every meaningful bridge I ever built.

I’ve been perusing Linkedin for several months now, mostly as an observer, and I’ve formed quite a few strong opinions in the process. Admittedly, working in marketing has softened my edge, though I still can’t quite lose the cynic in me. For the purpose of sharing these observations on LinkedIn culture, I have to be cynical. It’s the bitter ass in me who made these observations in the first place, so why fight authenticity? Here are a few thoughts regarding Linkedin and those who regularly use it:

It’s the phoniest platform. Instagram catches a great deal of flack for providing a medium through which people can frame themselves to look perfect, but Linkedin is a far more open window for folks to be their fakest. In their defense, they have to be fake and put on their most clean-cut, “professional” image, but people are staging a nearly unforgivable show. I came across a friend’s page. His headline reads “Dedicated to driving your ROI-focused marketing strategy.” His photo is, as expected, a beautifully-lit shot of him in a suit, posed and looking pure. Last I saw this guy in person, not but a year ago, he was on acid at a party sexually harassing every woman within 10 feet of him. I’m not saying people can’t have separate work and private personas, but Jesus, maintain some consistency.

A similar instance: In this case, it’s a lady I went to college with. My last encounter with her was in a mutual friend’s home, slightly off campus. At the time, she was inebriated, letting multiple guys snort Adderall off of her exposed asscheeks. Her Linkedin indicates she’s high up in a prestigious Los Angeles PR firm. Either people grow or they’re not honest, or a third option — having the right acquaintances means everything in furthering your career. This brings me to my next point.

If people’s job roles are any indication, being a smart, decent person means nothing. The Linkedin algorithm has brought about names from years past that I forgot long ago. It’s truly been a trip back in time, and an awe-inspiring one at that. I want the best for everyone, even THE MANY WHO WRONGED ME, but I’m still surprised and at least slightly bitter about where a lot of people ended up. One particular gal, who wasn’t the brightest bulb or even an average student in any of the communications classes we had together, spread lies that caused an innocent, yet slightly troubled guy to get thrown out of our university. She’s currently a head event planner at a theater in New York, and living in Brooklyn.

Another woman, who was one of the finest writers I’ve come across and always churning out outstanding articles in our journalism class, is working as a sales associate in a clothing store. This isn’t to say that’s not a role to be proud of — I’ve been grateful for many of my positions in retail, but as someone who was stuck in customer service for so long, getting consistently treated poorly and growing increasingly bitter, I know talented writers want more for themselves.

Seeing where classmates ended up does beg the question, “Why do many kind, smart people end up living far beneath their potential while less capable jerks excel in lucrative careers?” I’m not here to answer that, I’m merely begging the question. I can, however, say it’s a very unhealthy inquiry to dwell upon for years, and we all know comparing ourselves to others does nothing but good. On a somewhat related note, my next observation lays ahead.

“Account Executive” — What is this title and why do so many similar people end up in the role? I don’t want or need to know exactly what an “Account Executive” is, but based on the Linkedin profiles of people I grew up with it’s a widely granted title exclusively for the most physically attractive people from the wealthiest families. Look, I’m not some uggo, but I’m overly skinny and strange looking. I did grow up fairly privileged, but my family wasn’t mega-rich. Our big family vacation was a trip down the shore to Bethany Beach, Delaware. On the other hand, I knew subjectively beautiful people who grew up in enormous homes and took frequent trips to Tulum and Bali. 7 out of 10 of those people are “Account Executives” for high-profile companies like Uber and Yelp. I’m continuously putting “Account Executives” in quotes because I’m a dumbass who doesn’t know what that is, as mentioned, and I’m going to remain a dumbass who won’t Google it. I don’t want to know specifics, nor am I concerned with what drives the beautiful children of rich parents to such a position. Where you’re from and who you know is a huge factor in finding success in the field of your choosing, this we know and Linkedin shows, but on a more encouraging note, my next point:

Cliche as it sounds, your past really doesn’t define you. I grew up with many guys who had addiction issues and checkered records, much like me, who now hold fancy titles at great companies. I knew gals who notoriously made questionable decisions and ran with the wrong crowds who have gotten their acts together and built impressive resumes. Linkedin is shining a bright light on the potential for change within everyone. Friends who used to sell pills are now all-star realtors (the progression nature intended.) Corny as it may sound, people can turn their lives around dramatically, and I’m glad Linkedin has given me the opportunity to see that proven true in many cases.

Lastly, I have a few lesser, quick notes to make:

• Linkedin’s a bizarre, polished place for someone who spent years goofing off on Twitter or attempting comedy on Instagram. There’s really no room for jokes or shtick, and those who are veterans of irony will find themselves way out of their league.
• It’s an all-inclusive platform, where a wide variety of individuals come to connect with ambitious folks, find opportunities, and further their careers. There isn’t much nuance to Linkedin. Regardless of what niche you fall under, everyone’s generally just trying to grow, and that’s such a refreshing break from the hells that are Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
• While many across different platforms preach “positive vibes” into the void, Linkedin is genuinely about positivity. The posts people share and words they write are all rooted in encouragement. Users boast about their accomplishments, promote personal development, and spread opportunity. The job market is quite literally a competition, but there’s no competitiveness on Linkedin. People are trying to look their best, understandably, but they’re not attempting to put others down, “own” anyone, or block anyone else’s shot. Everyone appears to be helping others up, furthering my point that it’s a haven of spiritual cleansing in comparison to the other social networks we frequent.

LInkedin, though initially daunting to a slacker who’s new to the idea of appearing professional, is a world of promise. It’s a place of hope. It certainly isn’t the platform for my old antics or wisecracks, but it’s a medium through which people become better versions of themselves, truthful or not. You can’t knock people who are trying to improve, and Linkedin is where they’re doing it.